The Most Unbelievable History Book Ever Written

Zartman Smith has found limited renown as a pseudonym. Should people develop an interest in any other aspect of his life, he is likely to remind them that there is no other aspect. This is the nature of a pseudonym. He is hopeful that others will additionally understand his fundamental confusion about existence itself. 

Zartman Smith works as a health advocate. He notes that too few people believe in health. With repect to mental health, he vigorously argues for the treatment of psychopathy and pathological narcissism. He considers street drugs ok, as long as you don't take them. Alcohol in moderation may not be good, but it's ok with him. Art is good for you, as is fondling and moulding clay.

 Linguistically, Zartman Smith speaks suburban Bethesda dialect English, neanderthal Dutch, infant babble, and Andromedic sign language. He created a whole new language with his imaginary twin, and they often speak with each other. He is also proficient in creating neologisms: consider, for example, “telepathcrobatic,” or “mentonimblistic.” 

If you try to contact Zartman Smith telepathically, he wishes to advise you that you do so at your own risk, as he doesn't know what is likely to happen. He hopes that whatever it is will be good, but he cannot guarantee this.